Sometimes Change is the Hardest Part.

So much emotion.

So little emotion.

Ecstasy.

Placidity.

Fear.

Love.

As I sit here at Miami airport waiting for my flight to take me off on a new journey, an unread chapter, an unexplored door…I am overcome by all of these emotions.

 I can’t seem to find the words.  Just emotions.  And then nothing.  It’s as though I am sitting on the edge of a cliff overlooking the great abyss.  Knowing that I am about to jump off and yet knowing nothing of what will follow.  That is life in fact.  Right? A series of experiences, reactions, opportunities, heartaches, joys, doors opening and doors closing.

I have never been someone to shy away from change.  In fact I left home at 18 for school halfway across the country.  Not that it was really my complete choice – it was more like the universe quietly tapping my behind and saying ‘go along, you got this.’  I ended up at ASU solely by default.  When I didn’t get in to my top school and then was on a waiting list for 2nd,  sunshine and palm tree bound I was.  Little did I know how this one choice would lay the foundation for a life of change, new places, new jobs, new homes and so many amazing opportunities.  I can still remember sitting on the plane with my parents as we headed out to Phoenix and the subsequent days that followed as I moved in to the dorm, met my suitemates, toured the campus and somehow began to find my place amidst the sea of other wide-eyed, ‘what the heck are we doing here?’, freshman.  And then the day my parents left.  Gosh, what a pinnacle that one moment in time was/is – the moment of transition between childhood and adulthood.  Who doesn’t remember this?  As I sit here now I am struck but that same familiar feeling now of unknowing and….surrender that I felt back when I went off to college.Surrender to all that was… and all that is to come.

And – right now - I am terrified.

I may not be adverse to change, but boy do I see and appreciate why it is so hard for so many. Last night as I lay in bed, I thought about my little studio in Seattle, my friends, the routine and the comfort-ableness I built there the past two years.  I had a moment of longing again to be back there, to crawl back into the space of knowing and {un}certainty.  Of course the truth is we never really know or have certainty about what’s in store for us, but we sure do like to think we do! So often we get caught up in control, comfort, stagnation because let’s face it - change is downright scary.  TERRIFYING, in fact.  Even if the same old, same old is keeping us stuck – stuck in a job, relationship, place, life – that no longer serves us.

As I sit here on the precipice of the unknown, I leave you with this poem my friend Jen shared with me…to the traveler in each of us – no matter the destination.

Xxoo, jamie

For the Traveler

"Every time you leave home,
Another road takes you
Into a world you were never in
 
New strangers on other paths await
New places that have never seen you
Will startle a little at your entry
Old places that you know well
Will pretend nothing changed since your last visit
 
When you travel, you find yourself alone in a different way,
More attentive now to the self you bring along
Your more subtle eye watching you abroad;
And how what meets you touches that part of the heart that lies low at home
 
How you unexpectedly attune to the timbre in some voice,
Opening a conversation you want to take in
To where your longing has pressed hard enough inward, on some unsaid dark,
to create a crystal of insight you could not have known you needed
To illuminate your way
 
When you travel, A new silence goes with you,
And if you listen, you will hear what your heart would love to say
 
A journey can become a sacred thing;
Make sure before you go to take time to bless your going forth,
to free your heart of ballast so that the compass of your soul might direct you toward the territories of spirit
Where you will discover more of your hidden life, and the urgencies that deserve to claim you
 
May you travel in an awakened way,
Gathered wisely into your inner ground;
that you may not waste the invitations which wait along the way to transform you
 
May you travel safely, arrive refreshed, and live your time away to its fullest;
Return home more enriched, and free to balance the gift of days which call you
 
-John O'Donohue
To Bless the Space Between Us

 

Blog, travelJamie Wagener